Five Things

No, this is not a post about my five favorite things today.  I haven't whipped up a great meal of which I want to take pictures and share (I made a mean spaghetti sauce Friday night but it was definitely not photogenic - I like my meals to be just like me), I have no amazing news to share (I did buy tickets for a weekend trip to Chicago in March, but that's pretty unspectacular), and I will spare you the existential (and emotional) angst I experience every time I think about looking for a job and possibly moving across the country in the next six months. 

Instead, here are a list of the five things I've accomplished in my relatively short life that I'm proud of. (And they're in no particular order - that would require too much brain power for a Tuesday.)

1.  Breaking up with my college boyfriend.  To this day, he is the only man I've ever truly been in love with.  Our four year relationship taught me things I will never be able to articulate, and he was my best friend through some of the most trying times of my life.  Breaking up was inevitable, given our vastly divergent visions of the future and eventual boredom of one another, but it was gut-wrenching, mind-numbing and courageous.  That moment in time propelled to become the woman I am today.

2.  Moving to California. I was young and dumb and I would never had done it knowing what I know now. But isn't that the beauty of life? I've been here for almost six years and sometimes I still experience a little culture shock, but making it on my own and discovering so much about myself has been truly invaluable.  While I miss my family and friends, sometimes space and time is truly necessary to heal and get proper perspective on things. 

3.  Being able to keep my job in commercial real estate. My first real corporate job in commercial real estate was amazing.  I got a raise, a fancy cubicle, an even fancier wardrobe and some great friends and mentors.  I immediately fell in love the with the whole industry and was totally devistated when I was laid off.  Having very particular skills in what was a niche market taking a serious hit at the beginning of the Great Recession, I was convinced I was going to have to settle for a job outside the industry.  Instead, I landed where I am now, continue to work with great brokers and am constantly learning and networking.  While it's not always particularly challenging, it has been a great home for me while I'm in school. 

4.  Playing kickball.  It sounds silly, but joining and eventually captaining a co-ed kickball team changed my life.  It forced me out of my comfort zone and threw me into a world of fairly like-minded people who joined together for comroderie, friendship, compeitition and of course drinking. The people I met over those two years are counted amongst my best friends and our relationships have endured far beyond the dirt fields of Venice. 

5.  Going back to business school.   This is a no-brainer.  It took me years to get up the courage to tackle this most spectacular of experiences and I'm so glad I did.  While I occasionally have regrets about how I went about it, I've met people who have changed my life permanently.  Having to juggle school, work and a social life has not only taught me a lot about my own priorities, but what I am capable of and what I want out of life. The challenge isn't over, and while it's completely daunting, I'm amazed I've been able to get this far and am looking forward to what it means for me down the line. 

This Better Be Good

I haven't written a good blog post in a long time because I've been so completely overwhelmed by my over scheduled lifestyle.  But there are a few things I'd like to share.  And we all know how much I like to make lists (and number them), so this is how it's is going to go.

1.  I'm sitting in business law class.  Normally, I'd pay attention.  But our professor is telling the same stories he's told for the last twenty years and I'm over it today. Maybe if I had some food in my stomach I'd be more prepared for his droning today, but frankly I'd rather blog.

2.  I've rediscovered yoga.  I really wish I had more time for it, but it was actually one of my favorite unemployment activities.  But now I can just go to classes at the gym either before (sunrise yoga is amazing!) or after work.  And I'm not your typical crunchy granola hippy-chic, but I love a good earthy yoga instructor. Sometimes ours even sings; I dig. I've learned how to do shoulder stands and all kinds of fun poses.  It's not the cardio I still try to fit in two to three times a week, but it has the same calming effects as a long beach run in a shorter period of time. 

3.  Speaking of being a crunchy granola hippy-chic, I just invested in a few reusable grocery bags.  I ordered them online (on sale, of course), paid shipping and handling, and possibly even showed them to half my coworkers when they were delivered to the office.  I've used them at Target, carried them around in my purse and told my friends about them. Clearly, the sunny California disposition is going straight to my head. 

4.  Have we already discussed that I pierced my nose? Well, I did. Like five months ago.  I've wanted to have a little diamond stud in my nose since I was eighteen.  So a decade later I had a few strong drinks, went to an amazing little piercing parlor in Palm Springs and had a tiny little piece of titanium put in there.  It didn't hurt and frankly, I absolutely adore it.  It's sexy, rebellious and super feminine, all at the same time.  I've had mixed reviews from the boys, but I really think they all secretly find it attractive.  I obviously think it's awesome!

5.  Last March I bought a new camera.  It's a fancy digital SLR and I've taken literally thousands of pictures with it since then.  But this very well might be my last summer in LA and I want a new toy.  Maybe a Fuji Instamax? Or a Diana F+ lomo?  I can't decide; I should probably just learn how to really manipulate and play with the one I have. 

Hamster Time

I'm taking a commercial real estate boot camp that takes up six hours of my weekend for four weeks.  I'm taking my regularly scheduled two classes during the week, and on top of everything else I'm taking a six week strategy course that requires an incredible amount of team work, analysis, and writing. 

So yes, I feel like a hamster on a metaphorical wheel.  I continue to go out with my friends on the weekends, make lunch and dinner plans, and work a full-time job that has become increasingly demanding.  And I'm just grateful I'm not training for a half marathon right now.

The downside to my usual over-scheduled life is that sometimes the things I like to do (the very things that keeps me sane) go by the wayside.  On a good week, I run twice and go to yoga once or twice.  This week I slept through sunrise yoga, had to work through my gym routine and have to be at school so early both days this weekend I can't possibly make it for a morning beach run. 

Now I'm not asking for your pity.  I did this to myself.  And the hope is that I'll reap the rewards when all is said and done.  I just clearly don't know my own limits.  The more I take on, the more invincible and powerful I feel.  But I feel equally overwhelmed and powerless when it seems as though I'm losing a grip on what needs to get done.  Heaven forbid my proclivity for taking on too much diminish the quality of my output; then maybe I'd have to rethink my general life philosophy. 

I'd really love to be blogging more.  And connecting more.  And looking for investment banking/commercial real estate jobs.  And figuring out what I'm going to do next.  And fretting about the big decisions I need to make in the next six months.  But if I can just get through February, I might just have a shot at getting it together. 

The Rhythm of (My) Life

Yes, I come up with the titles for my blog posts before I sit down to write them.  Yes, they take me days.  Yes, I have a bunch of half-written posts that will never see the light of day.  This was meant to be a blog about the struggles and joys of a twenty-something who works full-time and is getting her MBA.  It has turned into my journal.  If you're still reading, I thank you. If not, I wrote this mostly for myself anyhow. 

Now, back to what's been going on. 

NOTHING!

Ok, I take that back.  Not quite nothing, but after a relaxing month off I'm finally back to the rhythm of my everyday life.  And it feels good.  For now.  This week I spent approximately 16 hours in class and 40 at the office.  And four in my car.  I also had brunch with a friend, went grocery shopping, did homework, ran, went to yoga and slept.  I promise you, there's not much time for anything else. 

It's nearly 11pm (bedtime anyone?) and I'm at a complete loss as to where the evening went.  I left work at a VERY decent hour (5pm is the earliest anyone should be allowed to leave a full time office job, even when most of the brokers are partying it up in Madrid and leaving me alone), ran two errands, picked up dinner, returned a few emails and then scarfed down a salad in front of my DVR in between a quick phone call to Mom and an hour-and-a-half long phone call with a group member and our tutor.  There are still dishes on the rack that are clean but haven't been put away, dress pants that haven't been ironed for the week, a lunch that hasn't been packed, half a chapter of Entrepreneurial Finance that hasn't been read and a pile of clothes that haven't been folded.  But here I am, writing a blog post instead of editing the first part of a business proposal or developing the models for our business simulation class.  Girlfriend needs an outlet sometimes. 

Round and round and round she goes.  Where she'll stop...nobody knows!!!

Sometimes I feel like a wind-up toy.  I have no idea how anyone does this with a significant other or children... or heaven forbid both.  This weekend was basically the calm before the storm.  The last weekend until March that I was able spend late evenings and lazy days with a glass of wine in hand and good friends in tow.  The end of January into February brings intense studying and writing sessions, weekend days spent almost entirely on campus and lots of "to do" lists. 

For some reason, I've always felt like I could do anything I wanted to.  Like the hours in the day were not a limiting condition of my success or happiness.  Not until today was I ever forced to rethink that approach to life.  I am currently taking three classes, start an extracurricular commercial real estate (four week!) seminar in two weeks, and am contemplating spending 16 hours this weekend on campus learning about private equity and M&A modeling instead of with a friend who is in town between her stints as a nanny in Sweden and a farmer in Australia. 

And frankly, I like both my sleep and my sanity.  I can't decide if I should keep barreling forward with reckless abandon (hey, I've been successful thus far with my proclivity for over scheduling.  And it's not like I'm training for another half marathon at the moment), or take a step back in order to preserve what's left of my inner peace.  I mean, there's a lot I can't NOT do.  I must take three classes until the beginning of March.  I must write business plans, read textbooks, work, blog, and shower.  I even have to take that commercial real estate seminar because I know it will be good for me, despite its "time suck" factor. 

The Obligatory New Year Post

This blog post is obligatory in that we get to write about resolutions, plans, thoughts and reflections once a year.  It's like the holy grail of blog posting; a free pass to tell you exactly how I feel.  

I haven't blogged in a few weeks because I shut off my laptop and traveled two thousand miles to the blustery Midwest.  I didn't look at my bank account balance, I didn't check my emails (well I have a Blackberry, so I kinda did), I ate tiramisu, cookies and popcorn for breakfast and tried my very very best to just relax. I tried to not have plans, to go with the flow, to not worry about relationships, school, running or anything else that haunts my daily thoughts. 

And I feel good.  I feel like a week and a half away from my routine gave me space to be calm.  The massive amounts of alcohol, sledding with little ones, a spectacular day with my mother on Michigan Avenue and quality time with old friends and new family didn't hurt either.  Going "home", luckily, has been more of a respite for me than it ever was.  Being away for the better part of a decade has given me much needed perspective and appreciation of what I have and what I came from.  My independence has empowered me and while it is often scary, it one of the most important things I've ever achieved.

Most years I feel like a broken record with my resolutions.  More whole (real, fresh) foods.  Less Diet Coke, more running.  Fall in love, be free.  Go to the gym.  And while most people want to be less in the new year (weigh less, consume less), this year I vow to be more.  More me.  To give more, to see more, to breathe more, to sleep more, to find more peace.  To love (without cynicism and fear) and travel more. 

Now that's a pretty tall order.  And it definitely includes seven more months of my MBA, a full-time job, a set of incredible friends, that spectacular gym membership and lots of salads.  But hopefully it also includes a little yoga, maybe some meditation, good restaurants, a museum or two, and lots of determination.  By the end of 2011, I will have a very fancy (and expensive) degree, a new job and maybe even a new city.  I'm excited, scared, nervous and thrilled about all of the things I am lucky enough to experience in the next twelve months.  Bring it on!!!

Flying (Running) Solo

Over the last six years I've learned how to do a lot of things by myself.  I've lived by myself off and on for years, I always travel and shop solo and today I ran my first half marathon by myself. 

And it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.  I mean, it was difficult because I had a massively upset stomach the entire time, but nothing that a running partner would help. In fact, the first eight miles were fantastic and my body still feels really good.  It was the second half that was difficult both physically and mentally to get through.  But I finished.  And it wasn't my worst time.  I didn't set a personal record, but there are always a number of circumstances one can't control during a race. 

What stinks is that I'm now home alone.  My sick running partner, who had planned on running the race with me up until yesterday afternoon, was kind enough to come out, cheer me on, take pictures and drive me home.  But that's about as exciting as it got today. 

Running 13.1 miles is an insane experience and an incredible adrenaline rush.  In fact, I couldn't even take a nap today because my heart was still pounding hours later.  Sometimes I have that tree falling in the woods feeling.  If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's there to hear it, does it still make noise? Am I making any noise?

I've long since given up trying to get my father to acknowledge my victories.  But it would help if someone would remember without me having to tell them a thousand times.  I feel like I've spent the last month fighting.  I took two finals, wrote two group papers, gave two presentations, trained for and ran a half marathon, battled a sinus infection, hopped on four flights to see my family for 72 hours, bought everyone's Christmas presents and I won.  I f*ing did it!

And I need a hug.  But instead, my family is thousands of miles away decorating the Christmas tree without me, nobody will return my texts or phone calls, and I'm eating pizza alone.  I've painted my nails, read my book, watched my DVR and even curled my hair out of a combination of both frustration and boredom.  Sundays are typically hard around these parts, but the combination of coming down from the adrenaline rush, being homesick and not having any homework to do is a difficult combination. 

The No-Stress Turkey Day

When I would go home for the holidays for the first four or so years after college, I was a bit of a mess.  One Christmas two years ago I was newly laid-off and cried for two weeks straight. Not only was I miserable, but I made everyone else around me sad. I've wasted too much precious time spent with my family picking fights and acting like the typical high-strung big sister and daughter I've always been.

This year was markedly different.  It was the first Thanksgiving I've gone back to Michigan since I've lived in Los Angeles.  And maybe because I knew I was only going to be there for 72 hours, I managed to forget about the fact that I'm in the middle of finals and go with the flow.  I had no agenda, which was a first.  There was no Black Friday shopping that needed to be done, nobody outside the family I needed to see, and nothing I had to do that couldn't be left until Sunday morning when I got back to LA. 

My mother, in particular, noticed how unstressed I was for almost three days. My demeanor changed instantly about two hours before I had to head back to the airport and she noticed that too (for better or worse, exactly what I'm thinking and feeling is written all over my face).  It was nice to not be expected to help with Thanksgiving dinner or worry about what I was wearing or who I was seeing.  Having my whole family in one place was indeed a blessing, and I'm grateful I was able to get out of my own way and really enjoy everyone's company, even if it was only for a few days. 

I also find the holidays the hardest time of the year to be single.  I loved traveling at Christmas with my boyfriend in college and at nearly thirty, there's always part of me that's sad to go home alone AGAIN.  It's easier to not have a 'plus one' because I can do exactly what I want and spend as much time with my family as possible, but all those damn jewelry commercials and smitten couples all over the place? It will definitely be nice one day to have someone to introduce to my parents, wake up with on Christmas morning and keep me company on the airplane.