Feeling Like Myself

Michael Gerber always made fun me when I said I wasn't feeling like myself.  He would ask who exactly I was feeling like.  And today I think I might have an answer to that question.  I'm feeling like my 24 year old self, not my usual self-posessed and increasingly confident (and competent) almost 28 year old self. 

Despite my New Year's Resolution to become a more balanced human, life has gotten in the way.  In less than two months I've looked for a new apartment, moved into said apartment, ran a half marathon, started a new semester of school (and a new relationship) and taken two mid-terms. And perhaps this is balance.  I'm changing.  I'm growing.  I'm learning.  But also slipping into bad habits that I thought I threw away a few years ago.  Self doubt, lack of discipline, etc.  Things that don't make me feel so great. 

And I'm not being mindful.  Again, I feel like I'm not steering my own ship and that's never good.  I went back to school and moved out on my own so that I could better control my life, but I fear I am still a sail in the wind.  Part of the problem is that I haven't been running.  Running helps me to feel in control and it's cathartic.  After a good run, I feel competent and inspired (and tired - but in a good way). 

Another issue is that work hasn't been spectacular the last few weeks.  I feel absolutely overrun when I put my nose to the grind for eight hours, come home to either class, unpacking or entertaining and have little time to take a breath.  The end result is what one would come to expect.  I'm either in a constant state of motion or completely drained and unable to enjoy myself. 

Balance and mindfulness are still in sight though.  Just because it's been two months and I haven't exactly made any large strides toward those goals doesn't mean I'm going to give up.  I have four months until the year's halfway mark and that's my new goal.  Not to chnage my lifestyle dramatically, but to try to remain focused even when I feel overwhelmed by outside activity.  I need to quit letting school be an excuse to not take care of myself.