Sunday, October 17, 2010


Since when am I this insecure?! I guess we all have moments of uncertainty; we're all self-conscious at one point or another.  But the one thing I thought pursuing an MBA would help would be all that nagging self-doubt.  Turns out it has just made me more aware of the ways in which I'm self-conscious and self-sabotaging. That's a good thing, no?! I always say that awareness if the first step to recovery... or something like that. 

The upside is that I'm probably more self-conscious than I let on.  Except to those closest to me, I think I come across and fairly confident.  And I am, most of the time.  But a little too often for my comfort, I start doubting everything.  Most of the time it's physical.  I know I'm smart, capable (my grades thus far in bschool have been a testament to that), hard working and a good friend. But I don't always remember that; I don't necessarily think I'm very pretty or light up a room with my humor.   

I spent a few years in high school seeing a therapist, and the one thing we worked on the most was my sense of self-worth.  That I was indeed pretty enough, smart enough and OK just as I am.  Because really, I can't change me.  Nor should I.  My parents are great, but I was constantly criticized.  It has made me who I am today and allows me hyper-aware in social situations, but it also makes me overly critical of myself.

And I've found myself doubting just about everything lately.  Perhaps it's because I'm a tad bit lonely or that I'm overwhelmed with the kinds of choices I get/have to make in the near future, but I've become much more self-conscious lately.  When I really should be feeling completely the opposite.  I'm surrounded by tons of people who love me, I'm accomplishing something pretty important and both running and school have been going exceptionally well. 

The people I love and admire most in this world are those that write their own stories.  They don't conform to a particular set of social rules, they have a ton of fun doing almost anything, they are intelligent, confident and a blast to be around.  And that's the kind of person I want to be. I want to develop the confidence to go after EXACTLY what I want, ask for what I need and live the life I've always imagined, for myself.  I'm in the depths of something that can change my life enormously, if I let it.  If I let go of my fear and seize the right opportunities. 

But don't we all doubt ourselves sometimes?  Who wouldn't when living in LA, surrounded by some of the most attractive and fashionable people on the planet.  I think I just need to keep it more in perspective.  I need to realize that I'm worthy of love and success even though I don't always feel like I'm exactly the person I want to be, all the time. 

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