Monday, July 12, 2010

Honesty and Expectations

In my never-ending quest to control everything, I get all kinds of uptight.  I try to will things to go a certain way and get upset when they don't.  I over analyze and process and plan.  And I rarely just let things happen.  This is particularly true when it comes to men.  I often attempt to make nothing into something, disregard the somethings, and forget how to go with the flow.

At the end of last year I became involved with a man who was completely outside of my comfort zone.  From his past to his friends to his age and choice of profession, I had never met anyone quite like him.  I couldn't put him in a box or identify how I felt about him in a romantic sense.  We had a connection, but it never made sense.  To either of us.  At first I pushed him away.  But as soon as I became emotionally involved and started to have expectations, he bolted. 

Shocking, right?! It's actually quite a cliche.  And one I'm becoming all too familiar with as I find myself attracted to a certain kind of man in LA: charismatic, brilliant, a bit eccentric, and completely aloof.  So I did the only thing I could; I let things cool off. 

After three months, he and I have been back in contact and yesterday we decided to get together to catch up.  And it was one of the most honest and fun days I've had in a long time.  Because I had no more expectations and I wasn't trying to get him to see me in a certain way, we could completely be ourselves.  I remembered why I liked and admired him and how much he made me laugh when I could let myself go and be silly.  Perhaps it was because I just needed to have someone's complete attention for an afternoon while we played bocce ball and caught some rays on the back porch. 

We talked a lot about his motivation to continue to write and work and he helped me to see that I'm more than what I do and what I study.  The circumstances under which we met were curious, but maybe we were brought into each others lives for reasons it took seven months to discover.  Perhaps we're all more alike than we like to lead on. 

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