Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I've said before that I can't imagine going through this program while having to juggle a family on top of work and school.  Studying, homework, group projects and class on top of a full-time job and social life is a demanding task itself.  In the last few months, a few relationships have been strained and even ended. But after living by myself for three months and giving up a great deal of that time normally spent with friends, I've come to the conclusion that it might be equally difficult to take on this program alone.

Of course we're all alone in a certain existential way.  But as a single gal making her way in the big city without her family or a significant other, I feel as though I have a particular expertise on this lonely thing.  I've always been the kind of person that prefers a small group of friends to a large group of acquaintances so a lot of the time I would actually rather spend time with myself than with those I don't really care for. 

Now that I live alone, I definitely love having my own space to lie on the carpet, stay up late listening to music, sprawl out my books and papers and run amuck in the kitchen.  I love the serenity on a Saturday morning and the freedom on really busy nights (weeks) to not clean up after myself.  But it doesn't come without its disadvantages. 

I knew moving out on my own would have it's challenges. I've done it before and it wasn't always glamorous.  While it means autonomy and peace, it also entails quiet evenings and more phone calls to mother so I have someone with whom to vent.  It means that I cry in silence.  Both tears of joy and of pain. 

And of course I'm single.  I don't have a regular Friday night date so the possibility of me sitting home alone for multiple nights in a row is a reality.  There's nobody there to hold my hand when I'm stressed or tell me I'm wonderful when the girls at school are mean to me.  Nobody to go on a coffee run when I can't break away from my marathon study sessions or bring me a glass of milk when I'm too stressed to sleep. 

So thank goodness for great girl friends.  Ones who will cook you dinner at the last minute, feed your soul, and humor your need for bottomless glasses of champagne and cardigans.  Ones who, in the spirit of "He's Just Not That Into You", will tell you that you deserve better, that life if worth living and that spring is looking you dead in the eye, daring you to come out and play.  They'll make sure you have fun after a particularly draining week and hold your hair back the next morning while recounting your ridiculous antics without even a hint of judgment. 

So I guess I'm not really ALL alone...

No comments: